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Anjoola's Website Short Stories The Woes of Coffee

Bob, like many others in the city of Ouagadougou, has a terrible addiction for coffee. He educates his daughter about coffee, who unwillingly listens. But one day, something terrible happens.

Bob was an average middle-age man. He was corpulent, had a beard, and worked out as often as he couldn’t (causing him to have a very large stomach). Being a man of high status, he was expected to set an example for other lowly workers on how to be a good manager and worker. As the boss of a great company called The World’s Largest and Strongest Green Orange Mermaids and Blue River Dolphin Sports and High Quality Computer and Video Games Marketing and Advertising Corporation, he had quite a job managing the 474,346,029,461 workers.
But working at this company was ineffectual, for being an average middle-age man, Bob liked drinking coffee, and as everyone knows, coffee is extremely addictive and dangerous, and this addiction causes 90% of the deaths in Ouagadougou. This everyday ritual of drinking coffee caused Bob to lose his third brain, the virtuous and logical part of the brain, and made him become a very oppressive boss of The World’s Largest and Strongest Green Orange Mermaids and Blue River Dolphin Sports and High Quality Computer and Video Games Marketing and Advertising Corporation. Thus, all day Bob drank coffee and did nothing else but malevolently tease his workers, effectively nulling that good worker effect that he was supposed to achieve.
The World’s Largest and Strongest Green Orange Mermaids and Blue River Dolphin Sports and High Quality Computer and Video Games Marketing and Advertising Corporation was situated in the city of Ouagadougou, a city of great declivity. Countless numbers of days one would see young children rolling or elderly women riding wheelchairs down the slopes with great ebullience. This caused some tumult within the city because the downward acceleration of these babies and old nannies was so great that they caught on fire, causing many mutinous firefighters to quit their jobs because of the fervor the children and nannies created by firing themselves up.
Now Bob had a daughter named Bambina, who had myopia and wore large glass specs. Because of her nearsightedness, bullies would often jeer at her and make strange faces. Nevertheless, Bambina would parry these remarks and go about rolling down the slopes of Ouagadougou.
One day, during a hiatus of a long tirade about the woes of coffee from her father, Bambina rushed out of her cottage and went to find her friends Georgina and Josephina. Together they made up the Barbie Choir, with Georgina being the chorister. And so they began sprouting lively songs about the green flowers in the air and the puffy clouds in the water. But before Georgina hit the last high note in the song, a loud noise pierced the air. Furious as this disruption, Bambina turned and glowered at the source of the sound. She cowered after realizing that the owner of the sound was an elephantine man by the name of… Bob. Bambina was crestfallen; the group had hardly finished the first song. Now that Bambina’s father came back, Bambina could no longer socialize with her friends. So she sadly trudged back into the house with her maniacal father in her wake.
While her father once again began talking about the cacao bean and how it was supposed to be called the cacao bean, not the cocoa bean, Bambina sighed and looked out the bathroom window. As her father went on about good coffee-making machines, Bambina wished for some sort of talisman that could magically make her father stop talking, long enough so she could practice singing with her friends. Though no talisman appeared, something mysterious happened to her father… just what she was waiting for.
During the time when Bob lectured about the smell of coffee, Bambina began to feel drowsy. Her eyelids drooped downwards, and her head began falling towards the bathtub. Suddenly a sharp, acrid smell wafted into Bambina’s nose. She awoke with a start and shook her head in confusion. Smoke was coming out of her father’s ears! With rapid trepidation, one of Bambina’s brains began working furiously to solve this vicissitude. There was a slight ding and Bambina rose from her toilet seat.
“Oh High and Mighty Father Bob! Please stop talking about coffee!” Bambina wailed as she bowed, worrying that her father’s second brain might explode with tension.
But her father was impervious to her demands and kept on going about the different flavors of coffee. Bambina became inarticulate with apprehension and began pulling clumps of her hair out. Yet her father stood there with a glazed look in his eyes, his mouth jabbering with incomprehensible syllables. Then, with a loud POP, her father stopped talking, and sludge began pouring out of his nose.
Bambina smacked her head. Now Bob did it. He lost two of his brains before he even reached his mid-life crisis. Sniveling, Bambina lamented the loss of her father’s brains, and immediately snapped out of it. With a heaving sigh, she picked up the telephone and dialed for the firefighters.
When the firefighters left with her father in an ambulance, she sat back onto the toilet, thinking about her life and her father. She thought how ludicrous her father was, drinking all that coffee when he knew it was dangerous. Why do humans say one thing and do the other? What is wrong with politicians? With these thoughts in mind, Bambina packed her bags and began her long journey of truth.

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