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Anjoola's Website Short Stories Chocolate

Planet Earth was created by a couple of crazy aliens obsessed with chocolate. Some of these crazy aliens were insanely intelligent monkey scientists who accidentally do "stuff" on Earth, causing mayhem.

Plop. A strange brown gooey coagulated liquid that contained millions of molecules of vitamins and minerals in every bite dripped to the ground. Plop. There it went again. What an annoying sound. I do hope PG & E comes soon to fix this. The chocolate-colored - oh! It's chocolate!

Raesrygaedrgh was not your average alien. But she did enjoy discussing the important matters that affect the universe with her fellow aliens who were average aliens. Raesrygaedrg was unlike most of the other aliens, who had green bodies with two antennae and one extremely frighteningly large eye, because she consisted of two eyes, two nostrils, two ears, two feet, and four appendages.
Today's main topic of discussion was the creation of the universe. Arguing fiercely, the fellow aliens had a minor scuffle about who was God, in which Raesrygaedrgh punched Ysingrfrargh in the liver (forgetting that Ysingrfrargh had liver disease). Ysingrfrargh kicked Inidtugopi in the mouth, in which Inidtugopi retaliated by socking Raesrygaedrgh in the stomach with his disgusting scarf that was dripping with saliva. And thus the cycle kept on repeating itself until Raesrygaedrgh ended up with a disgusting stomach, Ysingrfrargh with a non-functioning liver, and Inidtugopi with an appendage in its mouth, in which he happily slurped up with disturbing crunching and cracking sounds.

Chocolate was a delicacy for these fellow aliens. The planet in which they lived on, Earth, was full of brown stuff from the other ends of the aliens, blue flowing stuff, and green stuff in which the aliens get their food. Now Earth was really an experimental planet created by the giant monkeys of Zorgbert, who held many planet-making conventions throughout the many millenia. For each planet, they installed many temples in which people worshipped their gods (who were really the monkeys). Planet Earth was a special planet, and they stuck an alien name George W. Bush for entertainment purposes. Bush was the center of attention for these fellow monkeys, for he did many actions that the monkeys found quite hilarious. Sometimes, when one of the monkeys was in a laughing fit, it would accidentally spill its bottle of magical stuff onto one of their planets, causing mass confusion and strange distortions in the space-time fabric.

One morning, Raesrygaedrgh, our hero, woke up to find a chair by her door. "Stupid chair," she said, bumping into it for the infinite time. The chair was blocking the way out, and Raesrygaedrgh had no way of going through the chair. For the chair was a solid, and if it was a gas or liquid, Raesrygaedrgh could probably pass through. Plasma was a problem though, because it got so hot that nuclear fusion began, and stars were born. You did not want a star to be born in the midst of a planet, because the gravity would be so great that it would collapse on itself, forming a black hole in which no light or matter could escape, and that included Raesrygaedrgh. Bumping into the chair for the infinite time, Raesrygaedrgh decided to go around the chair. Around she went, until she ended up on the other side of the chair.
"Stupid chair," she muttered, rubbing her shin. Heading towards the room in her habitat where food was stored, cooked, eaten, and regurgitated, she plopped down onto a chair. Or rather, where the chair once was. Instead, she plopped down onto the hard, tile floor.
"Stupid chair." Raesrygaedrgh shouted angrily, rubbing her shin.

What she didn't know was that a monkey of Zorgbert was once again having a laughing fit. This monkey, named Zzyzzx, accidentally bumped into a box labeled "War" in his laboratory. The box labeled "War" tipped over, spilling its contents onto planet Earth. It landed somewhat in the vicinity of Iraq and Iran.
"Whoops," said Zzyzzx, slapping his elbow and sighing simultaneously. Earth was one of his science projects back in tenth grade. Now a graduate student from Caltechobert University, Zzyzzx was one of the universe's renowned scientist - as long as he didn't knock things over.

Knocking things over, Zzyzzx managed to maneuver over to the other side of his laboratory. Any visitor to the laboratory would be amazed at the sights of wonderment. Created over one billion billion years ago, the lab consisted of over two trillion billion planets and stars created by Zzyzzx, and a couple of black holes where he accidentally spilled some Chemical X. A closer look revealed the ingenuity of the design of the laboratory. Shaped like a dodecahedron, the laboratory was endless - for the pattern repeated itself ever so often. A star over here could be the same as the star over there. Zzyzzx was a genius, really.
Back on planet Earth, Raesrygaedrgh sighed as she turned on a strange device known as a teevee and plopped down onto the carpet, where there once was a chair..
"Stupid chair," she muttered.
Suddenly, she stood up and swore unbelievably as she listened and glued her eyes on the electromagnetic broadcast of a news station.
"Eyewitness News brings you news of the war in Iraq," the announcer said, showing interesting and gory pictures of soldiers and insurgents caught up in a war blasting each others' heads off with bazookas and machetes. Shocked by the primitivism of this war, Raesrygaedrgh pressed a button below the area where the broadcast was displayed, and with a static sound with volume of 30 decibels, the teevee went black.

Heading back to the room where she stored, cooked, ate, and regurgitated food, Raesrygaedrgh grabbed a bar of chocolate from a counter made from the finest marble. Chocolate was not made of marble however, but from cacao beans, from Hawai'i, Guatemala, or Switzerland. They were not called cocoa beans, which the crazy people of the United States of America called it. What Raesrygaedrgh held in her hands was the finest Swiss dark chocolate imported from Switzerland.
"Mmm..." she said, as the creamy chocolate flavor exploded in her mouth, lowering her cholesterol levels and reducing her risk of heart disease.

Raesrygaedrgh collapsed suddenly, just as she was taking her second bite. Induced in dreams of chocolate, the swirly designs, the sweet taste, and the creamy texture, she started having fits and squirmed on the soft, linoleum ground of the kitchen. Thoughts went blasting through the right half of her brain as the left half of her brain was confused as to why the right half of the brain was letting her lie on the ground thinking of chocolate. By this time, the sky was darkening, or rather, it was turning darker by the reference point of the creatures on Earth since it was always dark from the viewpoint in outer space. But ignorant of this all, Raesrygaedrgh lay still, occasionally fidgeting while being warmed by the thought of chocolate...

Zzyzzx took out his microscope from his pocket protector and examined the planet Earth he created in tenth grade. Once in a while he would investigate the current events on a certain planet. Today's special was Earth. Zzyzzx focused the quark microscope to the x 239,473,264,464 setting, in which he saw a strange scene. There was a feminine version of the living things of Earth lying on the floor of her habitat in the area where food was stored, cooked, eaten, and regurgitated. Whipping out a shiny cutlass that the beings on Earth though were the aurora borealis, he probed her brain, and received memories of a heated discussion about God that Raesrygaedrgh had with her fellow beings. Shaking his head with disgust, Zzyzzx withdrew his cutlass, and adjusted the quark microscope.

"Ay carumba!" he roared, as he saw a bar of chocolate clutched in one of the living thing's appendages. Using a tong in which the Earth beings mistakenly refer to as a meteor, meteoroid, or meteorite, he extracted the bar of chocolate from the thing's appendages, and retrieved it using a Petri dish.
Like magic, the bar grew to 239,473,264,325,837,464 times its size. Zzyzzx rubbed his hands with delight, and peeled back the wrapping of the chocolate. He took a big bite.
Back on planet Earth, Inidtugopi, the alien who had the minor scuffle with Raesrygaedrgh and Ysingrfrargh, died. His brain began steaming as he mentally contacted Raesrygaedrgh and received thoughts of chocolate, and it exploded. And so chocolate thoughts flowed out of his brain and into the spirit Earth, fusing with the unconscious minds of the other aliens. Soon, everyone in the world enjoyed chocolate, and the demand went up. Prices soared over the reasonable amount, and supplies diminished faster than you could say the Preamble to the Constitution of the United States of America. Chocolate was now the delight of every being, young or old.
Meanwhile, Raesrygaedrgh lay on the ground, moaning as she rubbed her temples. She realized that Inidtugopi had been messing with her brain once again, and she yelled with fury. But that made the single most important vein in her head rupture. Pop! And she died.

Plip ploop. Another drop of the brown liquid plopped to the ground. The source? A shiny, metal pipe that was very rusty as it contained a lot of rust. Ysingrfrargh, the only alien left alive of the three friends, lay near the pipe. Smelling a delightful scent, he got up and climbed through the pipe, where he hoped to find the source of the brown liquid. Wiggling himself up, he heard a strange fllusshhhhhh sound, and a torrent brown liquid came swooshing down. "Madre! No me gusta chocolate!" he screamed in Spanish, as the foaming brown liquid came gushing down. The source of chocolate? A toilet.

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