Planet Earth was created by a couple of crazy aliens
obsessed with chocolate. Some of these crazy aliens were insanely
intelligent monkey scientists who accidentally do "stuff" on
Earth, causing mayhem.
Plop. A strange
brown gooey coagulated liquid that contained millions of molecules of
vitamins and minerals in every bite dripped to the ground. Plop. There
it went again. What an annoying sound. I do hope PG & E comes soon
to fix this. The chocolate-colored - oh! It's chocolate!
Raesrygaedrgh was not your average alien. But she did enjoy discussing the important matters that
affect the universe with her fellow aliens who were average
aliens. Raesrygaedrg was unlike most of the other aliens, who
had green bodies with
two antennae and one extremely frighteningly large eye, because she consisted of two eyes, two
nostrils, two ears, two feet, and four appendages.
Today's main topic
of discussion was the creation of the universe. Arguing fiercely, the
fellow aliens had a minor scuffle about who was God, in which
Raesrygaedrgh punched Ysingrfrargh in the liver (forgetting that
Ysingrfrargh had liver disease). Ysingrfrargh kicked Inidtugopi in the
mouth, in which Inidtugopi retaliated by socking Raesrygaedrgh in the
stomach with his disgusting scarf that was dripping with saliva. And
thus the cycle kept on repeating itself until Raesrygaedrgh ended up
with a disgusting stomach, Ysingrfrargh with a non-functioning liver, and
Inidtugopi with an appendage in its mouth, in which he happily slurped
up with disturbing crunching and cracking sounds.
Chocolate was a
delicacy for these fellow aliens. The planet in which they lived on,
Earth, was full of brown stuff from the other ends of the aliens, blue
flowing stuff, and green stuff in which the aliens get their food. Now
Earth was really an experimental planet created by the giant monkeys of
who held many planet-making conventions throughout the many millenia.
For each planet, they installed many temples in which people worshipped
their gods (who were really the monkeys). Planet Earth was a special
planet, and they stuck an alien name George W. Bush for entertainment
purposes. Bush was the center of attention for these fellow monkeys, for
he did many actions that the monkeys found quite hilarious. Sometimes,
when one of the monkeys was in a laughing fit, it would accidentally
spill its bottle of magical stuff onto one of their planets, causing
mass confusion and strange distortions in the space-time fabric.
One morning, Raesrygaedrgh, our hero, woke up to find a chair by her door.
"Stupid chair," she said, bumping into it for the infinite
time. The chair was blocking the way out, and Raesrygaedrgh had no way
of going through the chair. For the chair was a solid, and if it was a
gas or liquid, Raesrygaedrgh could probably pass through. Plasma was a
problem though, because it got so hot that nuclear fusion began, and
stars were born. You did not want a star to be born in the midst of a
planet, because the gravity would be so great that it would collapse on
itself, forming a black hole in which no light or matter could escape,
and that included Raesrygaedrgh. Bumping into the chair for the infinite
time, Raesrygaedrgh decided to go around the chair. Around she went,
until she ended up on the other side of the chair.
chair," she muttered, rubbing her shin. Heading towards the room in
her habitat where food was stored, cooked, eaten, and regurgitated, she
plopped down onto a chair. Or rather, where the chair once was. Instead,
she plopped down onto the hard, tile floor.
chair." Raesrygaedrgh shouted angrily, rubbing her shin.
What she didn't
know was that a monkey of Zorgbert was once again having a laughing fit.
This monkey, named Zzyzzx, accidentally bumped into a box labeled
"War" in his laboratory. The box labeled "War"
tipped over, spilling its contents onto planet Earth. It landed somewhat
in the vicinity of Iraq and Iran.
said Zzyzzx, slapping his elbow and sighing simultaneously. Earth was
one of his science projects back in tenth grade. Now a graduate student
from Caltechobert University, Zzyzzx was one of the universe's renowned scientist -
as long as he didn't knock things over.
Knocking things over, Zzyzzx managed
to maneuver over to the other side of his laboratory. Any visitor to the
laboratory would be amazed at the sights of wonderment. Created over one
billion billion years ago, the lab consisted of over two trillion billion
planets and stars created by Zzyzzx, and a couple of black holes where
he accidentally spilled some Chemical X. A closer look revealed the
ingenuity of the design of the laboratory. Shaped like a dodecahedron,
the laboratory was endless - for the pattern repeated itself ever so
often. A star over here could be the same as the star over there. Zzyzzx
was a genius, really.
Back on planet
Earth, Raesrygaedrgh sighed as she turned on a strange device known as a
teevee and plopped down onto the carpet, where there once was a
"Stupid chair," she muttered.
stood up and swore unbelievably as she listened and glued her eyes on
electromagnetic broadcast of a news station.
News brings you news of the war in Iraq," the announcer said, showing interesting and gory
pictures of soldiers and insurgents caught up in a war blasting each
others' heads off with bazookas and machetes. Shocked by the primitivism
of this war, Raesrygaedrgh pressed a button below the area where the
broadcast was displayed, and with a static sound with volume of 30
the teevee went black.
Heading back to
the room where she stored, cooked, ate, and regurgitated food,
Raesrygaedrgh grabbed a bar of chocolate from a counter made from the
finest marble. Chocolate was not made of marble however, but from cacao beans, from
Guatemala, or Switzerland. They were not called cocoa beans, which the
crazy people of the United States of America called it. What
Raesrygaedrgh held in her hands was the finest Swiss dark chocolate
imported from Switzerland.
she said, as the creamy chocolate flavor exploded in her mouth, lowering
her cholesterol levels and reducing her risk of heart disease.
collapsed suddenly, just as she was taking her second bite. Induced in
dreams of chocolate, the swirly designs, the sweet taste, and the creamy
texture, she started having fits and squirmed on the soft, linoleum ground of the kitchen. Thoughts went blasting through the right half of
her brain as the left half of her brain was confused as to why the right
half of the brain was letting her lie on the ground thinking of
chocolate. By this time, the sky was darkening, or rather, it was
turning darker by the reference point of the creatures on Earth since it
was always dark from the viewpoint in outer space. But
ignorant of this all, Raesrygaedrgh lay still, occasionally fidgeting
while being warmed by the thought of chocolate...
Zzyzzx took out
his microscope from his pocket protector and examined the planet Earth he
created in tenth grade. Once in a while he would investigate the current
events on a certain planet. Today's special was Earth. Zzyzzx focused
the quark microscope to the x 239,473,264,464 setting, in which he saw a strange scene. There was a feminine
version of the living things of Earth lying on the floor of her habitat in the
area where food was stored, cooked, eaten, and regurgitated. Whipping
out a shiny cutlass that the beings on Earth though were the aurora
borealis, he probed her brain, and received memories of a heated
discussion about God that Raesrygaedrgh had with her fellow beings.
Shaking his head with disgust, Zzyzzx withdrew his cutlass, and adjusted
the quark microscope.
"Ay carumba!" he roared, as he saw
a bar of chocolate clutched in one of the living thing's appendages.
Using a tong in which the Earth beings mistakenly refer to as a meteor,
meteoroid, or meteorite, he extracted the bar of chocolate from the
thing's appendages, and retrieved it using a Petri dish.
Like magic, the
bar grew to 239,473,264,325,837,464 times its size. Zzyzzx rubbed his
hands with delight, and peeled back the wrapping of the chocolate. He
took a big bite.
Back on planet Earth, Inidtugopi, the alien who had the minor scuffle
with Raesrygaedrgh and Ysingrfrargh, died. His brain began steaming as
he mentally contacted Raesrygaedrgh and received thoughts of chocolate,
and it exploded. And so chocolate thoughts flowed out of his brain and
into the spirit Earth, fusing with the unconscious minds of the other
aliens. Soon, everyone in the world enjoyed chocolate, and the demand
went up. Prices soared over the reasonable amount, and supplies
diminished faster than you could say the Preamble to the Constitution of
the United States of America. Chocolate was now the delight of every
being, young or old.
Raesrygaedrgh lay on the ground, moaning as she rubbed her temples. She
realized that Inidtugopi had been messing with her brain once again, and
she yelled with fury. But that made the single most important vein in
her head rupture. Pop! And she died.
Another drop of the brown liquid plopped to the ground. The source? A
shiny, metal pipe that was very rusty as it contained a lot of rust.
Ysingrfrargh, the only alien left alive of the three friends, lay near
the pipe. Smelling a delightful scent, he got up and climbed through the
pipe, where he hoped to find the source of the brown liquid. Wiggling himself up, he heard a strange fllusshhhhhh sound, and a torrent
brown liquid came swooshing down. "Madre! No me gusta
chocolate!" he screamed in Spanish, as the foaming brown liquid
came gushing down. The source of chocolate? A toilet.
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