Sally's Space Adventure
Sally, afraid that Johnny knows too much of her secret,
escapes on a one-way flight to Pluto. Unfortunately, her flight is delayed
for 241 years, and there is nothing she can do about it.
As we all can remember, the last
time we met with Sally was when she was writing a vocab
story for her World Lit class. Everyone in the class coveted
an A on the assignment, but no one wanted one as much as
Sally Mae Worthington Adam’s friend, Johnny. Johnny worked very hard on his vocab
story, only to receive an F-. He asked his friend Sally how
she got such a good grade on her assignment. The secret? A
bribe for Ms. Ptelat. Johnny was shocked at the scandalous acts
Sally committed, and promptly ran away screaming. Sally,
ever vigilant for acts of betrayal, kept close tabs
on Johnny to make sure he didn’t spill out her secrets.
Thankfully, he didn’t, but Sally couldn’t stand the
guilt. She packed her bags and bought a one-way ticket to
Pluto. Our story continues from here…|
Sally wrinkled her nose. A fetid smell was
coming from somewhere on the spaceship. It was a terrible
smell, like sewage, sweat, sweets, and swear words mixed
together. She got up with a start. Where was she? Ah yes, on
board the Starship Enterprise, on a one-way flight to Pluto.
She gingerly poked her brain, carefully so she
wouldn’t break any cells. A nerve lit up. AHA! The
flight was delayed for 241 years because the ship could only
fly left, and when it reached Pluto, the ship happened to be one
day off to the left. The only solution was to wait until
Pluto revolved around the sun again until it reached the
Sally pressed a loudspeaker button by her cot, and
said, “Oy! Scullery maid! Cook up some grub for me
‘coz I’m starving!” The passengers of the ship were
all put into a deep coma and deep frozen in a refrigerator
to keep their brains from rotting. Unfortunately, that meant
that when they awoke, they would need to make up 241 years
worth of current events for their history class. The captain
of the ship died long ago, because no one could put him in a
coma and freeze him, so he was left to die in a dark corner.
It had been a terrible ordeal.
The maid had not arrived, because she died from being
frozen too long. In fact, everyone but Sally died, because
the air conditioner could not maintain its low temperature
with its liquid-helium generator. Sally was lucky enough to
be located right next to the generator, and was frozen
before her brain died. When the AC stopped working, Sally
was the last to awake, and awoke at just the right
temperature. Now Sally was getting impatient, and in a surly
mood. Furiously, she picked up a pagoda souvenir she
brought from a temple in China, and threw it against the
reinforced windows of the spaceship. The loud din
caused by the echoes of the pagoda bouncing on people’s
heads caused Sally’s brain to perk up.
She went in search of the cache where all the
supplies were stored. Sally picked up a bottle of
Target-brand cleaner and lumbered back heavily to the
main chamber of the spaceship. Was she going to use the
cleaner to freshen up the latrines with the 241-year
old stool and urine? OF COURSE NOT! To pacify her
racing heart and burning esophagus, she wrenched open the
cap of the bottle and glugged it down. Sally became quite bawdy
(for there was alcohol in the cleaner) and began spilling
out words too inappropriate to be typed here.
Sighing with drunkenness, Sally walked to the window
of the spaceship, and surveyed her celestial
audience: the stars, comets, moons, dark energy, dark matter,
molecules, gases, nebulae, and chickens. Wait! Chickens?
Could there be chickens living in the atmosphere of Pluto?
Sally buckled on an oxygen tank and brandished an arm
she found on the floor. Who knew if the chickens were
Slowly she undid the latch on the hatch. She jumped
out the ship, and found a blue whip. The whip was owned by a
blue flappin’ chicken. It looked like a ninja, that wanted
to win. Sally splayed her arms in welcome. My was
that dumb, she must’ve drank rum!
Sally was incredulous. There were actually ninja
chickens in Pluto? Who could have thought of a crazier
“Vat al zyou doinvg hyeh in Dirvt?” blattered the
“ZYOU AL SVTANDINVG ON MI LAND! GYET OFF ZE PLANVET
DIRVT!” blabbered the chicken.
Sally was sorely confused now. The chicken seemed to
be communicating in English, but in a different dialect. It
was saying something about the planet Dirt.
“VY AL ZYOU SVTILL HYEH? AL ZYOU A YAHOO FROM
PLANVET MUD?” blannered the chicken.
“No, actually I’m from Earth.”
“Earth? AHAHAHAHAHA VAT A DUMB NAME!” blammered
Sally, adept in the game of Arrrrrghew, had
all the tricks up her sleeve. “How DARE you insult my dear
planet Earth! Your planet, what was it called again? Soil?
What a DUMB name!”
The chicken bladdered furiously, “DIRVT! DIRVT! ZAT
IS VAT MI PLANVET IS CALLED!”
The verbal battle became an all-out melee, in
which Sally used the arm she picked up as a weapon against
the blue ninja chicken’s whip. They bonked and conked and
tore and gored and whipped and hit and punched and kicked.
They fought for hours and hours until the batteries ran out.
“@#$%!” swore Sally. She threw her handheld game
system as far as she could, and it hit the captain of the
“Who bonked my head? Quiet down there! I want utter
and complete deference from my lowly passengers! You
must all bow down to me! And YOU, you flamin’ GURL! Stop
throwin’ nubs at me!”
“EXCUSE ME,” Sally shouted angrily, “may I go
to the bathroom?”
“Why sure you MAY!” said her neighbor, May B.
Ivana Gohto deBafroom, glad that Sally’s need to relieve
herself stopped and pacified her anger. Sally excused
herself and stepped over the 7 other people blocking her
from the aisle.
“Pardon me, pardon me. This is urgent, I really
need to go!” Sally pardoned herself a million times until
she reached the lavatory. As she relieved herself, an
announcement came up: “Attention passengers. We have
reached Pluto. Unfortunately, we are a year off its orbit,
so we must wait another 241 years until Pluto comes around
again! We are sorry for the delay, but we hope you
understand. Please unbuckle your safety belts and head
upstairs to first-class. We will initiate your coma and
deep-freeze your body. Prepare to be scared. Have a terrible
Sally was constipated.
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