The Woes of Coffee
Bob, like many others in the city of Ouagadougou, has a
terrible addiction for coffee. He educates his daughter about coffee, who
unwillingly listens. But one day, something terrible happens.
Bob was an average middle-age man.
He was corpulent, had a beard, and worked out as
often as he couldn’t (causing him to have a very large
stomach). Being a man of high status, he was expected to set
an example for other lowly workers on how to be a good
manager and worker. As the boss of a great company called The World’s Largest and Strongest Green Orange
Mermaids and Blue River Dolphin Sports and High Quality
Computer and Video Games Marketing and Advertising
Corporation, he had quite a job managing the
But working at this company was
for being an average middle-age man, Bob liked drinking
coffee, and as everyone knows, coffee is extremely addictive
and dangerous, and this addiction causes 90% of the deaths
in Ouagadougou. This everyday ritual of drinking coffee caused
Bob to lose his third brain, the virtuous and logical part
of the brain, and made him become a very oppressive boss
of The World’s Largest and Strongest Green Orange Mermaids
and Blue River Dolphin Sports and High Quality Computer and
Video Games Marketing and Advertising Corporation. Thus, all
day Bob drank coffee and did nothing else but malevolently
tease his workers, effectively nulling that good worker
effect that he was supposed to achieve.
World’s Largest and Strongest Green Orange Mermaids and
Blue River Dolphin Sports and High Quality Computer and
Video Games Marketing and Advertising Corporation was
situated in the city of Ouagadougou, a city of great declivity.
Countless numbers of days one would see young children
rolling or elderly women riding wheelchairs down the slopes
with great ebullience. This caused some tumult within
the city because the downward acceleration of these babies and old
nannies was so great that they caught on fire, causing
many mutinous firefighters to quit their jobs because
of the fervor the children and nannies created by
firing themselves up.
Bob had a daughter named Bambina, who had myopia and
wore large glass specs. Because of her nearsightedness,
bullies would often jeer at her and make strange
faces. Nevertheless, Bambina would parry these
remarks and go about rolling down the slopes of Ouagadougou.
day, during a hiatus of a long tirade about
the woes of coffee from her father, Bambina rushed out of
her cottage and went to find her friends Georgina and
Josephina. Together they made up the Barbie Choir, with
Georgina being the chorister.
And so they began sprouting lively songs about the
green flowers in the air and the puffy clouds in the water.
But before Georgina hit the last high note in the song, a
loud noise pierced the air. Furious as this disruption,
Bambina turned and glowered at the source of the
sound. She cowered after realizing that the owner of the
sound was an elephantine man by the name of… Bob.
Bambina was crestfallen; the group had hardly
finished the first song. Now that Bambina’s father came back,
Bambina could no longer socialize with her friends. So she sadly trudged back into the house with her
maniacal father in her wake.
While her father once again began talking about the
cacao bean and how it was supposed to be called the cacao
bean, not the cocoa bean, Bambina sighed and looked out the
bathroom window. As her father went on about good
coffee-making machines, Bambina wished for some sort of talisman
that could magically make her father stop talking, long
enough so she could practice singing with her friends.
Though no talisman appeared, something mysterious happened
to her father… just what she was waiting for.
During the time when Bob lectured about the smell of
coffee, Bambina began to feel drowsy. Her eyelids drooped
downwards, and her head began falling towards the bathtub.
Suddenly a sharp, acrid smell wafted into Bambina’s
nose. She awoke with a start and shook her head in
confusion. Smoke was coming out of her father’s ears! With
rapid trepidation, one of Bambina’s brains began working
furiously to solve this vicissitude. There was a
slight ding and Bambina rose from her toilet seat.
“Oh High and Mighty Father Bob! Please stop talking
about coffee!” Bambina wailed as she bowed, worrying that
her father’s second brain might explode with tension.
But her father was
impervious to her demands
and kept on going about the different flavors of coffee.
Bambina became inarticulate with apprehension and
began pulling clumps of her hair out. Yet her father stood
there with a glazed look in his eyes, his mouth jabbering
with incomprehensible syllables. Then, with a loud POP,
her father stopped talking, and sludge began pouring out of
Bambina smacked her head. Now Bob did it. He lost two
of his brains before he even reached his mid-life crisis. Sniveling,
Bambina lamented the loss of her father’s brains, and
immediately snapped out of it. With a heaving sigh, she
picked up the telephone and dialed for the firefighters.
When the firefighters left with her father in an
ambulance, she sat back onto the toilet, thinking about her
life and her father. She thought how ludicrous her
father was, drinking all that coffee when he knew it
was dangerous. Why do humans say one thing and do the other?
What is wrong with politicians? With these thoughts in mind,
Bambina packed her bags and began her long journey of truth.
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